i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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