My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
