I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
