yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
