i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
