Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
