You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
