well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
