omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
