He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
