I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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