I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
