The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
