im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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