Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
