It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
