so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
