He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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