I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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