Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
