She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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