Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
