Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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