This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
