I just threw up on my dentist
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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