Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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