life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
