you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
