dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
