I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
