I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
