if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm getting married
To pizza
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
