Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
