You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
