Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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