and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
