I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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