I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
