i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
