This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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