So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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