My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
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she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
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Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.