I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird