My sheets look like a crime scene.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.