and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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