shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
