just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
