The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
