Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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