two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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