I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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