How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
