but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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