I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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