Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
