Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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