i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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