My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Randomize
