dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
