Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
