I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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