apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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