Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
