When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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